What NOT To Say To A Twin Mom

One thing I've learned as a mom of twins is that, well, people LOVE twins.  Any time we're out in public, we will inevitably be stopped by someone who wants to sneak a peak at my children, and I'm usually happy to oblige.  I understand the fascination — two babies!  Two babies at once! — and I always appreciate hearing from other twin moms or from people who were twins themselves.  But I also hear a lot of other stuff.  And that other stuff tends to get repeated.  A LOT.  I've been lucky that all the questions and comments I get have all been well-intentioned, but there are a few things I wish people knew about what it's like to have twins.

WHAT NOT TO SAY:  "A boy and a girl?  Are they identical?"

This is by far the question I am asked the most, and it always baffles me!  Identical twins are two babies formed from an egg that split into two - actual clones of one another.  Not only do my babies hardly look alike, they are DIFFERENT GENDERS.  They are about as identical as any brother and sister can be - which is not at all!  Two eggs, two sacs, two placentas.  Having fraternal twins is pretty much just having two normally-related siblings that happened to be born at the same time.

WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD:  Next time you see boy/girl twins out and about and want to say something about it, try, "fraternal twins!  How lovely!"  Not only will mom appreciate the sentiment, but you'll get bonus points for knowing the difference.

WHAT NOT TO SAY:  "I always wanted twins!"

When I first got pregnant, it didn't even factor into my brain that there could be more than one baby in there.  So needless to say, when I found out, it was a pretty big shock.  One big, terrifying shock.  Two babies at once!  Twice the crying and feeding and dirty diapers.  I would already be outnumbered!  Will I ever sleep again?!

I love my babies more than I ever thought I could love anything, but taking care of two at once is not easy, and sometimes (especially when the babies first came home) I thought it would have been better to only have one.  Even though I know that it is meant to be a compliment, when someone says this to me, what I hear is, "If I had twins, I'd think it was so lovely and wonderful all of the time!"  Which is to say that I should think so too.

WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD:  "Fraternal twins!  How lovely!"  Expressing your love of twins without implying any judgment.  Win.

WHAT NOT TO SAY:  "Oh my goodness, I can't even imagine having two babies at once!"

Ok, I totally get it.  In fact, if I didn't have twins myself, I'd probably say it too!  Two babies is a lot of babies.  Even one baby is hard, so I understand your shock and horror when you consider that you could have had more than that.  But you're also basically telling me that I got stuck with something you'd never want (even if you don't mean to).  That kind of makes me feel bad - like no other mother in the world would want to be me!  I understand that it's not personal, but hey, I'm a sensitive new mama here, I can't help it.

WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD:  "Fraternal twins!  How lovely!"  (Are we sensing a theme?)

WHAT NOT TO SAY:  "You're a saint/super mom/warrior/etc."

Thanks.  Except, I'm not any of those things!  I didn't choose to have two babies, it could happen to anyone.  And when it does, you just figure it out the same way any mom figures it out.  You could do it too!  (Besides, some moms have triplets!  Or quads!  Some even have six or (gulp!) eight babies at once!  Two babies is nothing.)

WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD:  "Fraternal twins!  How lovely!"  Works every time, I swear.

WHAT NOT TO SAY:  "Two at once! Now you never have to do it again!"

This one is personally hard for me, because my pregnancy and delivery were such a colossal disaster.  I couldn't carry even close to term, and a still feel a profound sense of loss about it.  I didn't even reach the third trimester!  I didn't get a big belly, I didn't get to feel them moving around a lot, I didn't get to wait until my water broke to rush to the hospital in an excited frenzy.  I didn't even get to hear my babies cry when they were born - because they couldn't.

Nobody would ever know this from looking at me, and I definitely wouldn't hold it against you if you said this (I usually just smile and agree), but the truth is that there is a part of me that dreams of doing it again, dreams of being able to do the thing my body was meant to do, dreams of having it go like it was supposed to.  And I don't know if I'll ever be able to.  I don't even know if I want more children.  But I do know that I'd love a do-over with Madeleine and Reid.  I would love to do it again if I knew nothing would go wrong.

(Besides, how do you know I don't really have my heart set on three or five or seventeen children?!  And one baby is plenty for some parents!  Two is not a magic number.)

WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD:  Say it with me now...."Fraternal twins!  How lovely!"

WHAT NOT TO SAY:  "Are they natural twins?"

No.  Just, no.  Don't say this!  As opposed to what?  Artificial?  Yes, fertility treatments can often result in multiples, but asking about anyone's reproductive history is never a good idea.  It's a sensitive topic, and also, nobody else's business.  It's also implying that natural twins (or ‘spontaneous twins’ to use the more accurate term) are somehow better, which is unfair.  Unless I personally volunteer information about my children's conception (which, uh, I won't ever do), please don't ask.  Like, anyone.  Don't ask anyone ever.

WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD.  Nothing.  Walk away.  (Okay, "Fraternal twins!  How lovely!" works here too.)

Next time we run into each other at the supermarket, please come say hello!  Just please, please, don't ask me if my kids are identical.